Text: a scholarly attempt
"a scholarly attempt" is the the fifth article to appear during the 1958-59 school year in the University of Notre Dame Scholastic humor column, "Escape". * By John Bellairs: Scholastic, Vol. 100, No. 05 - October 31, 1958. Text In answer to a charge (made up for the occasion) that I do not devote enough space to things of permanent value, I am presenting a scholarly work which should be of much value to students of architecture, and which will certainly hasten the death of some professors. An Architectural History of the Buildings on the Campus BADIN HALL This building is an excellent example of the period known as Dungeon Revival or Early Tenement. An interesting feature of these building is the complete absence of any kind of front entrance. This has caused much confusion, and recently it was suggested that one side be arbitrarily labeled "Front," and another "Side," and so on, although this procedure would undoubtedly stifle the creative imaginations of many students, Badin Hall was originally intended as a display for the Homecoming Game of 1903, which was held on Halloween. It captures much of the picturesque flavor of condemned buildings, while retaining an incomparable air of imminent collapse. The other buildings of the is fruitful period, Sorin, Washington Hall, the main Building, etc., have been glorified too much in print already to require any descriptions by me. THE MORRISSEY-HOWARD-LYONS QUADRANGLE This interesting group is done in the style which is known as Early-Football Grandeur; which is divided into two subsections, Depression Ivy-League and Tudor Gothic. Collectively, Lyons and Morrissey may be described as Tudor Gothic, since the first is Tudor, while the second is Gothic. The rear of Lyons is especially Tudor, with its half-timbered archway and mullioned windows. The students who live in this section of the hall are conscious of their historical heritage, and are seen wearing forked beards and velvet doublets on occasion. Every now and then a student is elected to preside as Henry VIII, and executions are held in the halls after lights-out. On the other hand, the Goths of Morrissey are divided into Ostrogoths and Visigoths and hold intramural warfare. A favorite practice of these tradition-minded students is sacking the Golf Shop. This contributes to no end of student rivalry. Howard is such a fine example of its type that it has been kept as a museum for some time (see July 8 issue of "Famous Dormitories of Western Man"; also "The Dormitory Considered as Museum"). Thus, no students are allowed to live in it, and it is populated only by excess rectors and archaic caretakers. This accounts for the fact that nobody knows anyone who lives in Howard. Those who think they live in Howard should send a postcard to me, and I will arrange for an interview to straighten them out on this rather difficult problem. DILLON HALL This magnificent edifice done in Neo-Ivy-Covered-Harvard-Imitation, has more rooms and less living space than any hall on campus. This is due to the fact that 96.3% of all floor space is covered by interminable corridors, which give the hall the unique quality usually reserved for the Catacomb of St. Callixtus. These corridors hold a vast amount of stagnant, slightly greenish air, since there is no ventilation of any kind in the hall. A biologist, interested in the problem, recently analyzed a sample of air in the northeast corridor of Dillon Hall, and found that it dated from June 3, 1935. LOBUND is planning an expedition to this fruitful sited, in hopes of finding even more archaic samples (not counting students). Other interesting statistics on Dillon: it is composed of 6.3 trillion bricks, made on the job by students who were working off their bill at the Book Store. All the students in Dillon, if laid end to end on Notre Dame Avenue, would certainly by horribly mangled by passing cars. This hall also contains an economy feature - sinks without faucets. This will doubtless cut down on needless water usage. THE BIOLOGY BLDG. This is a representative type of the style of architecture known as Late Factory. What kind of factory this building was before it was consecrated to biology is not known, but it is believed that the McClosky Rubbish Co. built it. The company folded in 1903, when it was discovered that South Bend was already blessed with a surfeit of rubbish, and the leftover stock was piled next to Washington Hall, and is called the "Old Huddle," a corruption of "Old Rubble." An interesting feature of the Biology Building is the magnificently sculptured frieze over the main entrance. It is intended to depict the Spirit of Smallpox being routed by the armed figures of Cortisone and Formaldehyde. Professor McTrash has not yet admitted that he created this, but perhaps he is only being coy. THE ARCHITECTURE BLD. It is fitting that this penetrating (perhaps you prefer "boring") article be climaxed by a description of the home of our architectural skills. This building, a near replica of the Taunton, Mass., Police Station was until recently, famed for its luxuriant ivy, which concealed an otherwise vile exterior. When the underbrush was removed, a sign was revealed which proudly stated that the building was the Hoynes College of Law, much to the confusion of freshmen law students. The story behind this odd name was revealed by Professor T. X. Cuneiform, the campus authority on Odd Incidents. It seems that, in the fall of 1878, Notre Dame and Harvard were engaged in a bitter rivalry. This was the pre-football era, and the sport then was Scavenger-Hunt, a game in vogue at the time. This custom for the previous ten seasons had been to make a list of things possessed by Hoynes University of East Wagon Rut, British Columbia. Then the two rival teams would descend upon this hapless Canadian campus and ransack freely the movable possessions of all sizes and shapes, with victory going to the team with the most loot. This outing came to be both a Student Trip for Harvard and Notre Dame and a fierce intramural battle, in which the students of Hoynes U. could take no part. This, of course, disturbed the Hoynes students who were irritated by the annual sacking of their campus. Therefore, they began to lock up and nail down everything of any importance on campus, with the result that the excursion became an even greater challenge to the teams of Notre Dame and Harvard in 1878. The Notre Dame team arrived a full day ahead of the Harvard group, and stormed into East Wagon Rut, looking for things to pillage. Suddenly the eye of the captain fell on the Hoynes College of Law, which was a building noted for its collection of Byzantine murals. It was no time at all before the team had put this edifice on rollers and started it to the railroad station, where it was dismantled and spread evenly throughout the passenger cars. The trip home was enlivened by skirmishes with itinerant Harvard bands on their way to Hoynes, but the treasure arrived at South Bend intact, and was set up where it stands today. The ivy was removed to commemorate the 80th Anniversary of the Destruction of Hoynes (completed by Harvard in 1879). Truth is stranger than fiction. a